With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
