Please, let me fuck your mom
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
