It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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