Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
