Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
