saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize