I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
