You smell like a Billy Joel song
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
