I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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