I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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