dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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