hotel room ftw
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
