Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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