can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
