Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
