DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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