I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
