listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize