my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
