i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is Oprah even human
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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