stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
