omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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