I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
