Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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