Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
