we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
