I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
