My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
