I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
