I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
