he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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