Already got asked if we're dating
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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