woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
