the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
