Whod you bang
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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