This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
