and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
