she woke up with a sticky ear
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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