Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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