i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize