apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
