If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need water and some morals
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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