I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
