I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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