She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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