so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
