If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
