She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
