in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
