shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
