he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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