I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
