thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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