my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
