Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
