Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
