hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
