We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize