I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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