Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
