3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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