Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
