There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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